My mood is so all over the place. One day I’m curled under my blankets, feeling fiercely hopeless, and another day I’m laughing so hard that my stomach is sore, but with the feeling of hopelessness in the back of my mind. I could be completely distracted, but there’s always this dark, empty space growing inside me. I’m a generally optimistic person on my good days. On my bad days, I’m angry and irritable. I’ll go to bed when things start to crowd in on me. When there’s too much going on around me, I run to my room and hide under my blankets. I’ll sleep for 16 hours a day and only come out for food and to use the bathroom. Those are my good days. On my bad days, I’ll be pacing and and my thoughts will be racing and my hands will be shaking.
My therapist told me that there will be good days and bad days. But, even the good days are bad because of that ever-present feeling that I’m falling down a dark hole, screaming and screaming and no one cares to notice. Breaking down in the middle of class, sobbing silently and not doing my work and sleeping, those are my bad days. My good days are the days I participate socially, but every time there’s a lull in the conversation, I’ll revert into myself and think too much. I always think too much. That’s what’s killing me. The thoughts in my head get worse and worse and turn situations into what they’re not. I attack myself verbally, knowing that I am unable to do so physically.
My harshest critic is myself. I’ll turn what others think of me into worse versions of what was really said. Or, I’ll create opinions of others that aren’t really there. Most people don’t even have an opinion of me because they don’t know me, but I’ll imagine that there’s something bad there. I talk myself down. I confirm my own horrible thoughts and just make myself feel worse. I think about all the things I’ve done wrong and analyze them till I’m worrying and worrying.
I usually try so hard to be like everyone else. I don’t know why. I know that that’s the wrong thing to do, but I need acceptance. I need to be noticed. I have this overwhelming fear that I’m never going to matter. I just want someone to need me. I always tell myself that that’s impossible because I’m so insignificant. Everyone is so effortless. I try so hard. I feel like no one knows how hard I try. I don’t want to be like everyone else, but there’s there’s this severe envy. Everyone has something I don’t. They have acceptance. No one questions them. No one thinks that they’re trying their hardest to just live. No one looks at them and says, look how hard they’re trying. No one looks at them and has doubts about their happiness. People look at me and probably assume I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in days. They probably think I’m on the verge of tears. I like to think I hide it well. No one has ever pointed anything out, but I assume it’s there. In the back of their minds.
I just want to be different. I want to mean something. I want to be special in a way that no one else is, even though I know I fit into a certain group type. I just want to be noticed for the things that I think matter. I just want to matter.