5.28.14 (Part II)

My mood is so all over the place. One day I’m curled under my blankets, feeling fiercely hopeless, and another day I’m laughing so hard that my stomach is sore, but with the feeling of hopelessness in the back of my mind. I could be completely distracted, but there’s always this dark, empty space growing inside me. I’m a generally optimistic person on my good days. On my bad days, I’m angry and irritable. I’ll go to bed when things start to crowd in on me. When there’s too much going on around me, I run to my room and hide under my blankets. I’ll sleep for 16 hours a day and only come out for food and to use the bathroom. Those are my good days. On my bad days, I’ll be pacing and and my thoughts will be racing and my hands will be shaking.

My therapist told me that there will be good days and bad days. But, even the good days are bad because of that ever-present feeling that I’m falling down a dark hole, screaming and screaming and no one cares to notice. Breaking down in the middle of class, sobbing silently and not doing my work and sleeping, those are my bad days. My good days are the days I participate socially, but every time there’s a lull in the conversation, I’ll revert into myself and think too much. I always think too much. That’s what’s killing me. The thoughts in my head get worse and worse and turn situations into what they’re not. I attack myself verbally, knowing that I am unable to do so physically.

My harshest critic is myself. I’ll turn what others think of me into worse versions of what was really said. Or, I’ll create opinions of others that aren’t really there. Most people don’t even have an opinion of me because they don’t know me, but I’ll imagine that there’s something bad there. I talk myself down. I confirm my own horrible thoughts and just make myself feel worse. I think about all the things I’ve done wrong and analyze them till I’m worrying and worrying.

I usually try so hard to be like everyone else. I don’t know why. I know that that’s the wrong thing to do, but I need acceptance. I need to be noticed. I have this overwhelming fear that I’m never going to matter. I just want someone to need me. I always tell myself that that’s impossible because I’m so insignificant. Everyone is so effortless. I try so hard. I feel like no one knows how hard I try. I don’t want to be like everyone else, but there’s there’s this severe envy. Everyone has something I don’t. They have acceptance. No one questions them. No one thinks that they’re trying their hardest to just live. No one looks at them and says, look how hard they’re trying. No one looks at them and has doubts about their happiness. People look at me and probably assume I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in days. They probably think I’m on the verge of tears. I like to think I hide it well. No one has ever pointed anything out, but I assume it’s there. In the back of their minds.

I just want to be different. I want to mean something. I want to be special in a way that no one else is, even though I know I fit into a certain group type. I just want to be noticed for the things that I think matter. I just want to matter.

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5.28.14

I am a quiet person. I keep to myself more often than not. I don’t like to participate in social interactions unless I have to. And, I can’t contribute anything interesting to a conversation anyway. My opinions don’t matter, apparently. I’m a little bit inadequate. I liked to think that I was smart, intelligent, and mature for my age. I like to think that I can look at situations from a mature perspective and solve problems practically and rationally. I am able to understand things others cannot. But, compared to other people, all this stuff doesn’t matter. All that matters in high school is what you’re wearing and who you’re friends with. And, in that little group, what matters is what you like and how you represent what you like. And you have to make sure you know everything about that certain thing, or you’re a “fake fan.” 

There are plenty of things I thought I was good at. I thought I was good at reading. I can read a 700+ page book in less than a week and then start on the next one. I lose sleep because I’d rather read. I don’t pay attention in class because I’d rather read. I’ve waited two years for the concluding book of a series to come out. (It came out yesterday.) I thought I was good at that. But, reading a lot doesn’t really matter when I want to connect with people. Since I drown myself in words and made-up worlds, I don’t know how to connect to people on a realistic level. I don’t like to concern myself with reality and other people’s problems. I don’t know how to talk to people and make myself seem like I’m not socially impaired.

What matters right now, at this point in my life, is looks. Honestly. When you think about it, everyone is focused on labels and brand names. They’re focused on paying full price for a designer piece and not things more simple. I’ve always focused on things like reading, writing, music, art, and fashion. I like to look at it these things, admire them, and understand them. I read to understand myself. I write so other people can understand me. I listen to music to understand others and relate to them. I look at art and fashion to understand the world. I use all of these things to express myself. That’s the problem with everyone around me. They’re not focused on things so simple. They’re so generic and superficial. They have no imagination.

Where did it all go? That’s what I want to know. Everyone dresses the same and talks the same and does the same things. Where is the originality? No one thinks for themselves anymore. They’re allowing others to think for them and they don’t worry about the consequences. They’re not thinking about what their lives are going to be like in the future. They’re just thinking about the here and now, and that’s not a good thing. I’m trying to focus on bettering myself so I can survive on my own as an adult. I want to learn as much as possible. I want to know things. I want to be informed in the ways of the “successful adult.” I know that all of this matters. I know that it does, because I’ve watched the adults around me and observed what their whole lives consist of. 

Effort. Hard work. Experience. Knowledge. Personal standards. Community. Maturity. Compassion. Understanding. Empathy. All of these things are needed to fully become an adult. All of these things aren’t taught in high school. They’re learned through yourself. The way you perceive the world around you. That’s why I’m so worried about everyone else. They don’t stop to look around and really live. They’re not trying. High school teaches you about things that don’t matter. They’re not teaching you how to handle life. It’s scary because high school is about learning, growing up and becoming somebody. Well, it used to be about that. Now, it’s about grades and passing. It’s overwhelming and no one is noticing the change.

I know my thoughts might seem all over the place, but these are the things going through my head at the moment. Once I got started, I wasn’t able to stop. I love writing. I love expressing myself. I know that it doesn’t always make sense sometimes, but this is all me. The way to understand me is to read what I read or write. Listen to what I listen to. Look at the things I look at. Try and understand the things I do. That’s how you’ll understand me. But, above all, think for yourself. Do the things you want to do, without the influence of anyone else. Try and be yourself. Don’t give a crap about what anyone thinks of the real you. Don’t listen to what other people might say about you. If their opinions are negative, their opinions don’t matter. Surround yourself with people who will accept you. It isn’t about fitting in. It’s about loving yourself and having people that complement you. It’s about learning as much as you can and doing what you love. 

Goddess of Love

Lady Gaga is one of the most influential and supportive figures in pop culture. She is such a one-of-a-kind, genuine artist. She gives so much to her fans, her “Little Monsters.” Lady Gaga gives a new meaning to pop culture and art. With her eccentric fashion, she sets an exciting trend for everyone everywhere. In between her songs are lyrics about her gratefulness for her Monsters and her love of fashion and the power of beauty and being yourself. She gives off an extreme sense of confidence and helps her Monsters be comfortable with their own bodies and lifestyles. She is a goddess-the goddess. She is Queen of Pop. She is Lady Gaga.

She delivers all this in a fun, upbeat way. She tells you that you are in control of your life and no one can tell you who you are. No one can judge you. Not by your hair, your body, your make-up, the way you dress or who you like, or the way you live. It’s all about love. That’s the impact she’s leaving on the world. Loving and accepting yourself and giving others love and acceptance as well. “Goddess of Love” suits her well. She’s all about having a good time and being yourself and doing what you want to do.

Lady Gaga says it’s okay to be alone if you want. And it’s okay to not want to be alone. She encourages finding someone that complements you. Someone that knows you were “born this way.” And you were born this way. You were born to be anything you want to be. Her ARTPOP could, quite literally, mean anything. Take her lyrics and interpret them any way you want and take them to heart. Lady Gaga is here for us, every single one of her true Little Monsters. That’s how I see her. The woman who tells me that everything’s going to be okay, no matter what.

She is the mother of inner beauty and inner strength. She guides us all in the right direction. Wherever we want to go in life, she says that we can do it. That we can go beyond any standards and norms and rise to the top. “We don’t care what people say! We know the truth! Enough is enough with this horsesh*t!”

Now, let’s talk about Fashion! Gaga is looking good and feeling fine. Whether she’s posing for Versace.ImageImage

 

Or making iconic music videos such as: G.U.Y. and Applause. Image

 

Or just simple shoots.

 

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She is always looking good and feeling fine.

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Her fashion, to me, is so iconic and unique and wonderfully out there. It’s unconventional, erratic and risky. Lady Gaga is bold, dauntless and confident. She’s so beautiful. Everything about her fashion just POPS! “Her whole Aura just manifests every aspect of life.” And, her style goes along with the concept of being yourself, of doing whatever you want. She is living her life the way she wants to. She is a role model for everyone who wants to be eccentric and creative. It isn’t just fashion. It isn’t just pop culture. It’s art. She exudes her confidence by adorning herself with outfits that make her feel like she’s amazing. She says that it’s okay for her to feel more comfortable behind make-up than her own skin. She makes it okay. Lady Gaga set the bar for the concept of “natural beauty.”

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She loves herself and says that we should love ourselves, too. That’s how you’re really going to make it in life. You don’t need to be anybody but yourself. You are your own. You were born to survive.

I’ll end with words of the Goddess herself; “Whether life’s disabilities left you outcast, bullied, or teased, rejoice and love yourself today, ’cause baby, you were born this way.”

 

Alone

preachhh

Simoneesays

I’ve been writing so much lately. I’m more than halfway through my journal and it has only been a week. I’ve been thinking a lot lately on how friendships have been changing in my life over the past year. Most of my writing happens in my bed sitting down with my back against the bed frame. I always get a neck cramp from bending my head for a long period of time and a hand cramp from writing so much. Writing has been my thing since I was little.

I’ve always heard so many people tell me how they’ll always be there for me and I can come to them whenever but no one is always there and I can never come to them whenever. It really sucks when you start to grow close to someone and depend on them in your time of need and they are never available…

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